Thursday, 4 May 2017

Reflections

A thousand deaths I died
enmeshed in your warped idea of “Love”
my own dreams sucked lifeless by your not being enough
and having to crush me to prove you are tough

But I did this
I opened the door to you
and invited you into my soft, gentle heart
where you proceeded without fanfare to shred it apart

A thousand tears I cried
as the happy little voices in my head stopped laughing 
and wept bitterly instead
as I lay sleepless at night
breathless with dread

But I did this
I allowed you to stay
instead of sending you on your way
and I faded inside
taking the plunging crash 
down to the dark places 
deep underground

A thousand times I tried 
to whisper to that little flame of hope to burn strong again
but I could not find the words to coax me back into bright
and so I stumbled on lost and alone in the Night

I did this
I ignored the yearnings of my own truth
and so I am not quite sure what to say  to my self 
looking back at me in the mirror with red eyes
to pity her or to despise the weakness 
that brought me here to this precipice,
this edge of reason

Christine Jordaan
04 May 2017