These pics have been really upsetting me...
but then I listened to this song...
and I felt a spear stab in my heart...
I imagined standing in a rural garden somewhere... dust rising from a vehicle approaching and my son calling me, panic in his eyes... “hurry, mom, don’t let them get you”... his fear palpable in his voice that “they” would take me away, and he would be left all alone...
Perhaps the youth in the photos above is just stirring up trouble, but I imagined someone like him, when he was a child, his heart hammering... at the dust rising from a car approaching down the dirt road... his mother running to him, dropping the water she had been collecting...
and I touched the darkness... our collective Wound that is still bleeding...
I couldn’t stop crying... for all the damaged people in this country...
and I remembered my normally gentle father arriving home drunk, and his Shadow Self emerging... (something bad happened to him in the army -the ENFORCED army service white men HAD to do, where they got brainwashed and fcked up!)... and him wanting to shoot us...
us running away in the middle of the night, many, many, far-too-many times... ugly, twisted violence... and that too was from the evils of apartheid...
Bad things happen when you brainwash people into committing violence that their Soul revolts against... cognitive dissonance splits them apart inside... my normally gentle father who wrote beautiful poetry...
“...Immortal time stills most things
Is he one who cries peace?
Then murmurs do not cease?
Killing while he prays and sings,
Or is he leading in
His own small fisherman?”
but changed into the Devil when alcohol dropped the barriers to the Bad Memory.
I raged inside for all the broken families in this country... torn apart by hatred ...
And I remembered standing in London in the snow, missing Africa, during my 5 year stay in the UK... but then being utterly devastated to come back here after discovering the beauty of the far north Scottish Highlands, the total FREEDOM of wandering up in the hills at midnight on a moonlit summer’s night, just myself and the deer....
Forced to come back to Africa when my visa expired (well I had overstayed by a little bit of 3 years), and my dad died...
crying myself to sleep during the looooong frozen-inside years in Mozambique because I hated being in Africa... then eventually 13 years after returning to Africa... arriving back, shocked, in KwaZulu Natal, a single mom of a toddler... feeling like an alien in the place I grew up... not knowing where I belonged or wanted to be.
Then last month I was chatting to some people on an online forum -
The man said I am not African because I am white,
I didn’t argue because I didn’t want to fight,
but I sat at my desk and asked myself out loud,
Who then is an African?
Who am I?
Journeying down the Ages in my mind,
trying to stretch my senses through the murky shadows of Time,
ships setting sail from the North,
hungry from reports of minerals and land,
laden with dreams,
and bloody agendas planned
People and wildlife chased and killed,
lands cleared, cities built,
all in the name of Religion and Crown
pristine forests became Man’s towns
“heathen” converted for “their own good”
taught to live how obedient “natives” should
blood spilt in humans’ never-ending wars
black on black
white on black
black on white
white on white
Greed seated on His Throne of Empire,
tentacles spreading wide,
growing power swallowing all,
little bushmen no place left to hide
Until I am back in 2016
Am I really rooted in this land that I call home?
if I am African why do I so feel alone?
I look around at this poverty and crime
do I even want to be African?
to call this mess mine?
Must my child be hated just because his skin is white?
is there no place for him here without a fight?
and if not here,
well then where should we be?
where on this Earth is home for Me?
Who is an African?
Is it a love of the land and the beasts?
or a peace within from feeling at home?
does participating in the economy count –
the money you earn, what you own?
is it the prayers one confides to the soft African Night
of a society based on Love and Light?
Is it one who listens to the wind how it could be?
or the elephant herd showing how it should be?
or seeing the future in the flames how it would be
if people stopped naming by color,
and just looked at a man and saw brother?
Could it be that it’s not a question of skin pigment but of Soul?
That to be an African
is to draw strength from Earth Mother,
to be whole?
And now the heavens just opened
and rain is splashing through my window,
easing the drought and parched Soul,
and all of a sudden the storm drama strikes true
‘cos to be African is to REALLY REALLY TRULY love the rain
and run out and dance in it before drought claims us again
So I put it to you that Africa is a chord,
a mood, a scent,
and being African is to hear Her in the winds,
and the waves,
and hungry bush flames,
and to see Her in Her summertime ripeness,
and Her dry Winter death,
to smell Her in the elephant dung,
and the sour City sweat
and if you’re born here,
and live here,
and try here
in Her lonely, silent spaces
and noisy, human places
then you’re African, no matter your race!
Mother Africa was here before humans
and will remain when we’re gone,
She doesn’t care what colour we are
if we could all just get on,
and if we’re defining being African by being from a place,
then She is The Boss not any one race!
So now I know who I am,
but do You?
have you looked deep inside and felt it all through?
do you have to dominate to make yourself feel good?
to make yourself more by making others feel less than they should?
do you have to break down instead of building up?
‘cos that way you’re in control and you’re afraid there’s not enough?
and are you using excuses ‘cos deep down you’re feel afraid you won’t measure up?
Are you prepared to rise higher and break this cycle of hate?
Then now imagine!
a South Africa truly free
from this heart-breaking division,
and instead there is Unity
built on a foundation of Love,
and manifested in TRUE Equality
There’s surely enough arable land,
no one need starve if common good is our aim
instead of profit,
and chuck out the GMs and fracking -
if we allow nature to die so do we
Sun gives us enough power,
and it’s healthy and basically free
stop allowing our animals to be killed just for fun
They are African too - We are ALL One
if we are building with their blood
we weave violence into our society
because like attracts like -
so we need to set our frequency
for the highest good of all
with Love and Light at our core.