Reflections

A thousand deaths I died

enmeshed in your warped idea of “Love”

my own dreams sucked lifeless by your not being enough

and having to crush me to prove you are tough

But I did this

I opened the door to you

and invited you into my soft, gentle heart

where you proceeded without fanfare to shred it apart

A thousand tears I cried

as the happy little voices in my head stopped laughing 
and wept bitterly instead

as I lay sleepless at night

breathless with dread

But I did this

I allowed you to stay

instead of sending you on your way

and I faded inside

taking the plunging crash 
down to the dark places 
deep underground

A thousand times I tried 
to whisper to that little flame of hope to burn strong again

but I could not find the words to coax me back into bright

and so I stumbled on lost and alone in the Night

I did this

I ignored the yearnings of my own truth

and so I am not quite sure what to say  to my self 
looking back at me in the mirror with red eyes

to pity her or to despise the weakness 
that brought me here to this precipice,

this edge of reason

Christine Jordaan

04 May 2017